Your Six Must-Have Friends

Try On for SizeFriends are like shoes -- and not just because both pals and the perfect pair of pumps can bring you profound joy. Friendship experts agree: Just as your favorite old sneakers aren't perfect for every occasion, neither is every friend. It's crucial to have a colorful assortment of friends -- from comfy to professional -- to match the varied parts of your life.


The Well-Rounded Friends
So what are the six types of friends that will round out your social wardrobe?
The Work Friend. This relationship is so important that Dr. Yager coined a term for it: a "workship." Having an office pal, she says, "boosts productivity, makes the day go faster, and work more fun." Sylvia, 36, of Brookline, Massachusetts, says her workship is the only reason she survives her "heinous job" at all. "She saves my life every day. We bitch about our boss, fantasize about changes we'd make if we overthrew her, share dirt on who's good to work with and who's not. And we laugh," Sylvia says. "My husband commiserates when I come home, sure, but he's not there."
Just be on guard: If only one of you gets that promotion, things could get uncomfortable. Try to discuss it in advance if you can. Also, if one of you happens to leave the job, the friendship still has promise, says Yager. "Workships often blossom into friendships when they're no longer workships -- because then you can really let down your guard."
The Friend in Your Kid's Class. Your kids are angels, no doubt, but that doesn't mean they have an adult perspective on what's going on in school. "You absolutely need someone to help you check out whether the teacher is really that 'unfair,' the sixth-graders are really dating, or the cliques are really that bad," says Paul. For Nicole, 35, of Charleston, South Carolina, her co-mom keeps her not only informed, but also less isolated. "Almost everyone is all coiffed and perfect, and I'm just talking about the kids -- so you can imagine what the moms are like," she says. "My messy self really doesn't fit in. Thank goodness for Lara, the one other mom like me, and the only one I can hang out with at the science fair."
The Friend Who's Known You Forever. "This friendship is priceless," says Paul, noting that when she recently bumped into an old crush at the mall, there was only one friend she could call to giggle about it. "She keeps your memories alive by sharing them with you."
"If I met her today we might not be friends -- that's one thing I love most. She's so unlike all the friends I've made more recently," says New Yorker, Melissa, 29, of her dear childhood pal. "Other people can learn all our buzzwords and inside jokes, but she and I invented them!"
Friends you grew up with aren't just fun throwbacks; some can serve as sister stand-ins. "As a single only child with few cousins, I wonder sometimes who'll lend a hand when my parents start to need more help," says Corinne, 35, of Lexington, Massachusetts. "But I also know that my friend Lucy, who's been around since I was 2, will always be there for things like that."

The Straight-Talking Friend. You know when you're clear that you need to break up with someone...but just can't quite bite the bullet? Talk to this friend. "We all need someone who's honest, gets to the heart of the problem, and doesn't sugar-coat," says Marla Paul. She also won't tell you the swimsuit looks good when it doesn't, or that it's okay with her that you haven't called.
"My roommate, God love her, shovels me full of truth and never lets up," says Rebecca, 24, of Raleigh, North Carolina. "If it's something she thinks I don't want to hear, she'll just stay quiet -- and then I know what she's saying anyway. Damn!" That's the key with this friend, says Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends (Citadel, 2003): "Talk to her about what's on your mind only when you want to hear it."
The Feel-Good Friend. "We all need a cheerleader!" says Isaacs. But the feel-good friend may cheer for you even without being all smiles and pom-poms. "My spirits are lifted the moment I hear my friend Rachel's voice," says Paula, 36, of New York City. "She never belittles, or tries to make things about her, or says one of those dopey things like, 'You'll get over it, what you need is a fill-in-the-blank!' She really knows how much better people feel when someone just listens."
And the feel-good friend isn't there for you only when you feel bad. Says Isaacs: "It's essential to have a friend who can be truly happy for you when good things happen, too."
Relationship TLC
Now that you know which friendships are essential, how do you to find and/or nurture the ones you need? Making friends isn't as easy as it was when you could walk up to another kid on the playground and say, "Wanna be friends?" Says Paul: "Friendships, along with our lives, are less stable than they used to be, and it can feel awkward to try to make new ones." Three key steps to making new friends and maintaining the relationships you hold dear:
1. Create a strategy. You can't make friends just by being friendly. Seek out running partners, knitting classes, mystery book clubs. (Helpful: check out social networking sites like Friendster.com and MeetUp.com.) If finding the time seems difficult, carve out one lunch or evening every three weeks as "Catch Up with Susan Day" or "New Friends Night" -- whatever seems doable is better than nothing at all.
2. Be proactive. You don't have to announce "I'd like to be your friend," but you do need what Paul calls "repeat exposure." Pour a little social cement by seeking out certain people more than once; extend casual invitations when you can.
3. Sort your supply. "Prioritize your friendships," says Isaacs. You don't have to officially "break up" with any friends you don't feel the need to see constantly; just make sure they're not siphoning too much time away from all the newer, or deeper, friendships that are worth the extra effort to nurture.
So take a friend-inventory today and see what type of friend might be great to add, which friend you could see a bit less of, and who you're dying to catch up with right now. Don't let a busy schedule get in your way. In the end, it's friendship itself that lightens your load and brightens your day.

Holiday Lovin'

10 small but romantic ways to keep the love alive during this stressful season

Psst.The person snoring away in bed next to you is your spouse (yes, women can snore too). We thought you might have forgotten about him or her, since holiday prep work seems to have taken over your existence. Even if it appears your schedule cannot accommodate one more thing, it is possible (and a priority) to show your mate he or she is still the biggest gift you have ever received. And we don't mean with an actual present. 'Tis the season to keep the flame between you two burning bright. Here's how.

1. Start a tradition.
The night before a big family gathering is the perfect time to reconnect with each other...alone. Plan a preholiday date that is bound to become tradition -- whether it's grilled cheese at the diner, a snowy stroll through the park, or camping indoors with a tent by your fireplace (roast marshmallows without the fear of woodland creatures joining you). The point is to enjoy each other -- and only each other -- before you loan yourselves out to relatives. When things get crowded across the dinner table, you can feel good knowing you went one-on-one just 12 hours before.

2. Get cookin'.
Neither of you needs to be a chef extraordinaire to have fun in a holiday kitchen. If you're a guest, ask for a task the two of you can work on. It's a great escape, and your help will be appreciated, to boot. In your own home, institute some holiday fun. Bake goodies you loved as kids or make eggnog from scratch. Enjoy your treats together -- nude perhaps?

3. Embrace the weather.
Snow becomes a chore when you have to shovel the steps, but this winter, make it a romantic event. Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue and then share a frosty kiss. Or just lie together silently on the ground and watch them fall gently to earth. No snow? No need! Get outside and do something together like window shopping late at night or sledding on the sand dunes.
[Nest Note]While you're waiting for your car to warm up, vandalize your husband's ride. Well, in an amorous way. Write "I love you" in the snow or frost on his front windshield. We bet he'll drive off without the heat on just so he can keep your sentiment intact.

4. Present something perfect.
There are some gifts that make everyone in the room go "Wow!" and others that are meant for your eyes only. Give each other the cashmere sweater or briefcase to open with the gang, but save one small, heartfelt gift to open alone in bed together. We're not saying the present should be naughty in nature (unless you want it to be); it might be something with meaning that you don't want to explain to a roomful of nosy aunts and uncles. This can also make a potentially stressful day at the in-laws a bit sweeter.

5. Deck the halls.
Give the bedroom a seasonal boost with white twinkling lights strung on the headboard. You'll both feel like your sliding under the covers in a whole new room. That sense of breaking from routine will add excitement to whatever it is you decide to do under those blankets.

6. Picture your life.
Get out your photo albums and reminisce. Make sure to pull books that hold images from your days as boyfriend, girlfriend. You will be reminded of how important you are to each other, and the shared memories will come flooding back. If you're at a relative's home, ask to see old childhood photos. Snuggle under an afghan and sip hot cocoa while you peruse.
[Nest Note]If you're going the hot chocolate route, we suggest giving your mugs some extra heat by adding a shot of peppermint schnapps.

7. Get a tune-up.
The long drive for holiday ham can turn into a traffic nightmare. Come prepared with a CD or iTunes song playlist that reminds you of your courtship or of your wedding and honeymoon. Before you know it, you'll be pulling into the driveway with hoarse voices from all that crooning. Even though you might spend the day on separate sides of the room, you'll have an added energy boost from your earlier performance.

8. Go for the pass.
The office party is a bore, and you both can't wait to leave. To make the hours go faster, pass your spouse a note on your way to the cheese table. Write about exactly what you want to do with him and the leftover gift-wrap and ribbon when you get home. He might reconsider his schmooze obligations and suggest you cut out early.
If there's one time of year you may find yourself too tired for romance, this is it. But once you put your intentions down on paper, you can't turn back. Connecting under the sheets will increase your bond in the hectic days to come.

9. Give your time.
You're fortunate to have each other, but not everyone is so lucky. Sign up to play bingo at a nursing home or distribute gifts to kids at a homeless shelter. Find a Project Santa in your hood (the post office can help), and shop together for a present that will make a child have a happy holiday. Volunteering together will allow you to break from routines that might start to seem selfish, and it will bring smiles to new faces.

10. Just say no.
Parties and get-togethers are great ways to catch up with special people you haven't seen in forever, but they can also leave you feeling too pooped to do anything else. The only solution: Tear up those invites! You just do not need to attend every function you are invited to. Think about it: If all of your friends or family will be together drinking eggnog, they won't be calling you! But use the would-be party time wisely. Take an uninterrupted nap together, go for a walk in the woods, or simply make love with the phone off the hook.