Your Six Must-Have Friends
Try On for SizeFriends are like shoes -- and not just because both pals and the perfect pair of pumps can bring you profound joy. Friendship experts agree: Just as your favorite old sneakers aren't perfect for every occasion, neither is every friend. It's crucial to have a colorful assortment of friends -- from comfy to professional -- to match the varied parts of your life.
The Well-Rounded Friends
So what are the six types of friends that will round out your social wardrobe?
The Work Friend. This relationship is so important that Dr. Yager coined a term for it: a "workship." Having an office pal, she says, "boosts productivity, makes the day go faster, and work more fun." Sylvia, 36, of Brookline, Massachusetts, says her workship is the only reason she survives her "heinous job" at all. "She saves my life every day. We bitch about our boss, fantasize about changes we'd make if we overthrew her, share dirt on who's good to work with and who's not. And we laugh," Sylvia says. "My husband commiserates when I come home, sure, but he's not there."
Just be on guard: If only one of you gets that promotion, things could get uncomfortable. Try to discuss it in advance if you can. Also, if one of you happens to leave the job, the friendship still has promise, says Yager. "Workships often blossom into friendships when they're no longer workships -- because then you can really let down your guard."
The Friend in Your Kid's Class. Your kids are angels, no doubt, but that doesn't mean they have an adult perspective on what's going on in school. "You absolutely need someone to help you check out whether the teacher is really that 'unfair,' the sixth-graders are really dating, or the cliques are really that bad," says Paul. For Nicole, 35, of Charleston, South Carolina, her co-mom keeps her not only informed, but also less isolated. "Almost everyone is all coiffed and perfect, and I'm just talking about the kids -- so you can imagine what the moms are like," she says. "My messy self really doesn't fit in. Thank goodness for Lara, the one other mom like me, and the only one I can hang out with at the science fair."
The Friend Who's Known You Forever. "This friendship is priceless," says Paul, noting that when she recently bumped into an old crush at the mall, there was only one friend she could call to giggle about it. "She keeps your memories alive by sharing them with you."
"If I met her today we might not be friends -- that's one thing I love most. She's so unlike all the friends I've made more recently," says New Yorker, Melissa, 29, of her dear childhood pal. "Other people can learn all our buzzwords and inside jokes, but she and I invented them!"
Friends you grew up with aren't just fun throwbacks; some can serve as sister stand-ins. "As a single only child with few cousins, I wonder sometimes who'll lend a hand when my parents start to need more help," says Corinne, 35, of Lexington, Massachusetts. "But I also know that my friend Lucy, who's been around since I was 2, will always be there for things like that."
The Straight-Talking Friend. You know when you're clear that you need to break up with someone...but just can't quite bite the bullet? Talk to this friend. "We all need someone who's honest, gets to the heart of the problem, and doesn't sugar-coat," says Marla Paul. She also won't tell you the swimsuit looks good when it doesn't, or that it's okay with her that you haven't called.
"My roommate, God love her, shovels me full of truth and never lets up," says Rebecca, 24, of Raleigh, North Carolina. "If it's something she thinks I don't want to hear, she'll just stay quiet -- and then I know what she's saying anyway. Damn!" That's the key with this friend, says Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends (Citadel, 2003): "Talk to her about what's on your mind only when you want to hear it."
The Feel-Good Friend. "We all need a cheerleader!" says Isaacs. But the feel-good friend may cheer for you even without being all smiles and pom-poms. "My spirits are lifted the moment I hear my friend Rachel's voice," says Paula, 36, of New York City. "She never belittles, or tries to make things about her, or says one of those dopey things like, 'You'll get over it, what you need is a fill-in-the-blank!' She really knows how much better people feel when someone just listens."
And the feel-good friend isn't there for you only when you feel bad. Says Isaacs: "It's essential to have a friend who can be truly happy for you when good things happen, too."
Relationship TLC
Now that you know which friendships are essential, how do you to find and/or nurture the ones you need? Making friends isn't as easy as it was when you could walk up to another kid on the playground and say, "Wanna be friends?" Says Paul: "Friendships, along with our lives, are less stable than they used to be, and it can feel awkward to try to make new ones." Three key steps to making new friends and maintaining the relationships you hold dear:
1. Create a strategy. You can't make friends just by being friendly. Seek out running partners, knitting classes, mystery book clubs. (Helpful: check out social networking sites like Friendster.com and MeetUp.com.) If finding the time seems difficult, carve out one lunch or evening every three weeks as "Catch Up with Susan Day" or "New Friends Night" -- whatever seems doable is better than nothing at all.
2. Be proactive. You don't have to announce "I'd like to be your friend," but you do need what Paul calls "repeat exposure." Pour a little social cement by seeking out certain people more than once; extend casual invitations when you can.
3. Sort your supply. "Prioritize your friendships," says Isaacs. You don't have to officially "break up" with any friends you don't feel the need to see constantly; just make sure they're not siphoning too much time away from all the newer, or deeper, friendships that are worth the extra effort to nurture.
So take a friend-inventory today and see what type of friend might be great to add, which friend you could see a bit less of, and who you're dying to catch up with right now. Don't let a busy schedule get in your way. In the end, it's friendship itself that lightens your load and brightens your day.
The Well-Rounded Friends
So what are the six types of friends that will round out your social wardrobe?
The Work Friend. This relationship is so important that Dr. Yager coined a term for it: a "workship." Having an office pal, she says, "boosts productivity, makes the day go faster, and work more fun." Sylvia, 36, of Brookline, Massachusetts, says her workship is the only reason she survives her "heinous job" at all. "She saves my life every day. We bitch about our boss, fantasize about changes we'd make if we overthrew her, share dirt on who's good to work with and who's not. And we laugh," Sylvia says. "My husband commiserates when I come home, sure, but he's not there."
Just be on guard: If only one of you gets that promotion, things could get uncomfortable. Try to discuss it in advance if you can. Also, if one of you happens to leave the job, the friendship still has promise, says Yager. "Workships often blossom into friendships when they're no longer workships -- because then you can really let down your guard."
The Friend in Your Kid's Class. Your kids are angels, no doubt, but that doesn't mean they have an adult perspective on what's going on in school. "You absolutely need someone to help you check out whether the teacher is really that 'unfair,' the sixth-graders are really dating, or the cliques are really that bad," says Paul. For Nicole, 35, of Charleston, South Carolina, her co-mom keeps her not only informed, but also less isolated. "Almost everyone is all coiffed and perfect, and I'm just talking about the kids -- so you can imagine what the moms are like," she says. "My messy self really doesn't fit in. Thank goodness for Lara, the one other mom like me, and the only one I can hang out with at the science fair."
The Friend Who's Known You Forever. "This friendship is priceless," says Paul, noting that when she recently bumped into an old crush at the mall, there was only one friend she could call to giggle about it. "She keeps your memories alive by sharing them with you."
"If I met her today we might not be friends -- that's one thing I love most. She's so unlike all the friends I've made more recently," says New Yorker, Melissa, 29, of her dear childhood pal. "Other people can learn all our buzzwords and inside jokes, but she and I invented them!"
Friends you grew up with aren't just fun throwbacks; some can serve as sister stand-ins. "As a single only child with few cousins, I wonder sometimes who'll lend a hand when my parents start to need more help," says Corinne, 35, of Lexington, Massachusetts. "But I also know that my friend Lucy, who's been around since I was 2, will always be there for things like that."
The Straight-Talking Friend. You know when you're clear that you need to break up with someone...but just can't quite bite the bullet? Talk to this friend. "We all need someone who's honest, gets to the heart of the problem, and doesn't sugar-coat," says Marla Paul. She also won't tell you the swimsuit looks good when it doesn't, or that it's okay with her that you haven't called.
"My roommate, God love her, shovels me full of truth and never lets up," says Rebecca, 24, of Raleigh, North Carolina. "If it's something she thinks I don't want to hear, she'll just stay quiet -- and then I know what she's saying anyway. Damn!" That's the key with this friend, says Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends (Citadel, 2003): "Talk to her about what's on your mind only when you want to hear it."
The Feel-Good Friend. "We all need a cheerleader!" says Isaacs. But the feel-good friend may cheer for you even without being all smiles and pom-poms. "My spirits are lifted the moment I hear my friend Rachel's voice," says Paula, 36, of New York City. "She never belittles, or tries to make things about her, or says one of those dopey things like, 'You'll get over it, what you need is a fill-in-the-blank!' She really knows how much better people feel when someone just listens."
And the feel-good friend isn't there for you only when you feel bad. Says Isaacs: "It's essential to have a friend who can be truly happy for you when good things happen, too."
Relationship TLC
Now that you know which friendships are essential, how do you to find and/or nurture the ones you need? Making friends isn't as easy as it was when you could walk up to another kid on the playground and say, "Wanna be friends?" Says Paul: "Friendships, along with our lives, are less stable than they used to be, and it can feel awkward to try to make new ones." Three key steps to making new friends and maintaining the relationships you hold dear:
1. Create a strategy. You can't make friends just by being friendly. Seek out running partners, knitting classes, mystery book clubs. (Helpful: check out social networking sites like Friendster.com and MeetUp.com.) If finding the time seems difficult, carve out one lunch or evening every three weeks as "Catch Up with Susan Day" or "New Friends Night" -- whatever seems doable is better than nothing at all.
2. Be proactive. You don't have to announce "I'd like to be your friend," but you do need what Paul calls "repeat exposure." Pour a little social cement by seeking out certain people more than once; extend casual invitations when you can.
3. Sort your supply. "Prioritize your friendships," says Isaacs. You don't have to officially "break up" with any friends you don't feel the need to see constantly; just make sure they're not siphoning too much time away from all the newer, or deeper, friendships that are worth the extra effort to nurture.
So take a friend-inventory today and see what type of friend might be great to add, which friend you could see a bit less of, and who you're dying to catch up with right now. Don't let a busy schedule get in your way. In the end, it's friendship itself that lightens your load and brightens your day.
posted by Jacinta | 12:50 AM
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