Common dating mistakes

Guys: 10 first-date fumbles

By Lori Gottlieb Last month my friend Paul met an interesting woman, asked her to dinner, and thought it went superbly—until she turned him down for a second date. He couldn’t understand it: Hadn’t she been charmed by his “funny” stories about his ex? Uh-oh, I thought. He was Annoying First Date Guy, but didn’t know it. It happens at coffee houses, bars and restaurants every day: A guy with good intentions blows that crucial first date and has no idea why. Want to get clued in? Here are 10 common pitfalls:

1. Going on a rant about a former significant other.
No good can come from talking about an ex-girlfriend on a first date. Saying something positive about an ex is threatening, and saying something negative is just plain annoying. My friend Leslie agrees: “My favorite annoying first date is the guy who spent the entire time describing in detail how nasty his ex was,” she said. “By the end of the date, he had pointed out the restaurant where she threw a drink at him and the street corner where she screamed at him about his lack of sexual prowess.” The first date is about the two of you getting to know each other. Bringing the ex into the conversation makes it seem like three’s a crowd.

2. Divulging too much personal information that’s not flattering.
Take a hint from comedian Chris Rock, whose dating advice goes something like this: When you first meet someone, you’re not you. You’re the ambassador of you. In other words, this is not the time for full disclosure. I went on a first date with a guy who told me that he takes antidepressants, that he tends to be a slob, and that his family doesn’t get along. “I’d really like to see you again,” he said, “but I think I should be upfront about who I am from the beginning.” Even worse are guys who reveal unflattering personal information without even realizing that the information isn’t flattering. “My dog is my life,” a guy told my friend Sherene on their first date. “I’ve had the dog since I was a kid,” he added shamelessly. “I live with my parents.” The information was bad, but the fact that he had no idea it was bad made it horrifying. Remember: This is a date, not a therapy session.

3. Making the date feel like a job interview.
Let’s face it: A first date is a job interview (for the position of significant other). But if a woman is going to put on a cute outfit and blow-dry her hair for you, try not to make her feel like she’s in the room with the head of human resources. She’d rather have a casual conversation than be subjected to obvious probes like, “How long has it been since your last relationship?” Just as bad are guys who try to suss out key information by dropping calculating questions into the conversation. My friend Sara found it particularly irritating when a guy tried to figure out her age by asking her opinion of the 1972 Olympics and then saying, “Oh, but you couldn’t possibly remember that” in a questioning tone.

4. Having too much attitude.
Laurie, a single woman in New York, was asked on a first date what TV shows she watches. When her date learned that she didn’t like the show Seinfeld, he didn’t believe her. Then he wouldn’t let it go for the entire meal. “He just couldn’t fathom my not liking that show,” Laurie explained. “It was as if I’d just said, ‘Yes, I live my life without consuming any liquids.’” Guys, if you want a second dinner, don’t spend the first one trying to convince your date that she’s not normal.

5. Admiring other women.
Most guys know better than to stare at other women while on a first date. But it’s just as exasperating if your date asks you what you thought of the latest blockbuster hit, and your response is to go on a tear about how beautiful Angelina Jolie’s lips are. If you think the woman sitting across from you is ever going to be secure enough to kiss you after that, think again.

6. Complaining about the venue.
Don’t ask your date to “pick any place you want to go,” only to whine about it once you’re there. That happened to Liz, who chose a place with a lunchtime tasting menu. Not only did the guy grumble, but “he proceeded to tell me that he had had a big breakfast and wondered who could eat a three-course lunch,” she said. “I told him, ‘I could’ and pointed to myself and then to every other diner in the restaurant.”

7. Arguing with your date.
It’s one thing to talk about current events if there’s a lull in the conversation. But it’s quite another to ask your date’s opinion on anything from the Middle East to the election and then get into an argument with her, no matter what she says. That happened to 29-year-old Melissa when she and her date got into it about public versus private schools. “I was annoyed that he fought me on so many things—especially on our first date,” she said.

8. Eating your date’s dessert.
Unless you’re at a Chinese restaurant, there’s a reason you each have your own plate. Just because a woman might eat more slowly doesn’t give you license to take a bite of a virtual stranger’s meal. Or, in Liz’s case, her date didn’t even wait until she’d taken a bite herself. “When my dessert arrived,” she said, “my date reached across the table and, with his fork, speared my gateau au chocolat. Talk about annoying.”

9. Not walking her to safety at the end of the date.
Almost as off-putting as the overzealous guy who goes in for a kiss too aggressively is the guy who leaves his date standing there on the street at night instead of walking her to the safety of her car or a cab. This irked my pal Julia. “True, we were going in two different directions—but hello? Take care of the girl first!” she said. “Stuff like that usually points to bigger problems!”

10. Saying “I’ll be in touch” after the date goes badly.
Your date knows that the evening went badly, and you know she knows it, so why say that you’ll call when it’s obvious you won’t? “I’d like him to say, ‘Good to meet you, take care,’” said Monica, who feels that you can still be nice without being annoying (or making a woman sit by the phone).

My friend, Paul, by the way, heeded this advice on a recent date. No rants about his ex-girlfriend, no “I’ll be in touch” at the end of a lackluster dinner. Of course, this was a complete turn-on to his date, who thought he was a great catch and has since set him up with a friend of hers. He promises to save his “funny” stories for, oh, at least their second date.

Common Dating mistakes:

Ladies: Worst first-date moves

By Dan Bova For the single guy, first dates can be so many things: Magical, exciting, romantic, or in some cases, really, really annoying. Ask any dude who’s out there in the romance trenches, and he’ll give you a litany of misdeeds perpetrated by the dating women of America.

But lucky you, you don’t have to actually ask them anything because I did it for you. I spoke with single guy friends, relatives and complete strangers who overheard our conversations and couldn’t help but chime in about what drives them wild (in a bad way) on a first date. And good God, did I get answers.

Sure, we men know that we’re not exactly perfect (feel free to object), but there are a number of things you may not even realize you’re doing that can inadvertently put you on the Do Not Call list for life. Here are the top 10 first-date crimes.

1. Blabbing about your ex
He would never order the steak rare like you just did! OK. He would never think of driving a car like the one you do! Great. He would never wear a jacket like yours! Fascinating. Listen, we guys want to go out to dinner to get know you better, not the loser you broke up with two months ago. The more you talk about him, the more we’ll think that we’ve got “rebound” stamped on our collective forehead. And here’s a weird little guy trait you might not know: Trash the dude too much, and we might start to mentally take his side. Nobody could be that bad, we’ll think. You’re just being too critical, we’ll think. And worse, we’ll wonder if are you going to be this harsh on us! Because if so, what the heck are we doing splitting dessert with you? Why aren’t we out having fun like that dude who escaped before you henpecked him to death?

2. Asking too many finance-based questions about your date’s job
It’s one thing to take an interest in what we do, but save the “Does your company give you stock options?” questions for a little further down the road. Like after you get engaged.

3. Not eating anything
My buddy Colin put it best when he said, “I have no desire to date Gandhi.” Going on a one-night-only hunger strike is just silly. It makes us feel like slobs when we’re plowing through a steak and you’re picking through a mixed green salad with the dressing on the side. Plus, they say that if you want to know how a person will be in bed, watch the way she eats. If you show no signs of enjoying sinful indulgences at the dinner table, it doesn’t exactly get a guy’s heart racing to imagine what’s to come a few dates from now.

4. Picking really expensive restaurants
On a birthday, sure, we’re totally up for blowing a paycheck on dinner. But on the first date? Not so much. Using men to take an unpaid tour of the Zagat’s guide is right up there with “running over my dog” as one of the suckiest first date misdeeds a woman can commit.

5. Acting like we’re boyfriend and girlfriend too fast
Guys get just as excited as you when they meet someone cool and fun who doesn’t appear to have any weird quirks like, say, being on the run from the law. But definitely leave him wanting more. Get too clingy too fast, and you’ll scare him off in a hurry. Nothing screams “psycho girlfriend” like giving him a cutesy nickname 15 minutes into your first date.

6. Whining about how hard it is to meet people these days
“When a girl is going on and on about how hard it is ‘out there’ in the dating world, I can’t help but think, What’s wrong with this person that no one wants to be with her?” says my cousin James. Plus, it doesn’t exactly make a guy feel special if he knows he’s number 11 in the line of guys you dated that month.

7. Using us like a therapist
One of the great things about being in a long-term relationship is having someone to talk to when you’re down, a shoulder to lean on when you’re stressed out of your mind. But save discussions of unresolved issues with your mother for a little further along than minute 12 of your first dinner date. You want to leave him thinking, “Man, that girl was a blast!” and not, “Man, that girl was a drag!” First dates are all about having fun, right?

8. Acting flirty with other guys at the bar or, worse, with our friends
As I said, first dates are all about having fun…But not too much fun. There’s a fine line between being outgoing and being on the prowl for anything that moves.

9. Not having an opinion
Would you like to go see a movie or go for drinks? It’s up to you. Do you like Italian food? Whatever you want to eat. One of the major goals of a first date is to find out if two people are compatible. We want to find out what you like, what you think. So drop the overly polite act, and give us a peek into what’s going on in your brain. How can we enjoy our rigatoni special if we’re afraid that you actually hate garlic and are allergic to red wine?

10. Acting too motherly
Oedipus dated his mother, and we all know how that turned out. Never mind the first date, keep the “You need a haircut” and “Button up your jacket” comments in check for the first year!