Gentlemen, Hold Your Horses

16 tempting urges that must always be controlled

1. Performing the chest bump. Sporting celebration should be proportional to the peril faced in the pursuit of victory. If your game involves an underhand toss, midgame brews,or Velcro-backed flags, dial it down, champ.

2. Buying all the equipment after two lessons. Holster that credit card until you're certain the novelty of fly-fishing, snowboarding, or competitive bird-watching won't wear off.


3. Being overpolite. Social pleasantries should be dispensed with grace. Saying "bless you" after each of nine successive sneezes makes you an automaton, not a gentleman.
4. Writing a love poem in the first 3 weeks of dating … and not keeping it to yourself. Her hair might indeed remind you of the first new morning rays of sun. But those rays may fade, and there's no reason to leave a paper trail.

5. Finding exact change. Picking through your pocket lint for 11 cents isn't helping the barista churn through the morning rush any faster. Do everyone a favor and stockpile your coinage at home. Trade it for cash once a year, then treat your girl to a dinner you otherwise couldn't afford.

6. Marking an e-mail "high priority." Just because Bill Gates dreamed up a button doesn't mean you should press it. Pick up the phone.

7. Yelling out a song request. Sorry, but the lead singer is only paying attention to the braless blonde in the front row. Channel all that energy into clapping, Casey Kasem.

8. Overvaluing your wisdom. Just because you understand the intricacies of the global currency market doesn't mean you should share them. Unless there's a point to your pontification—you're a doctor, someone has symptoms—give it a rest. Saying, "Enough about me … " is often the best conversation starter.

9. Flipping the bird. There's no better way to make sure you meet the recipient of your gesture at the next stoplight.
10. Talking between bathroom stalls. No matter is so pressing that it needs to be discussed with your pants down.
11. Screaming at the customer-service rep. Actually, check that: Go ahead and scream. Just make sure there's a method to your madness. You're mad at the company, and you're this close to taking your business elsewhere.
12. Overpronouncing foreign words. Granted, you spent a magical week in Baja, but that doesn't give you license to pronounce "Guadalajara" like you're clearing hair from your throat. There's a middle ground between butchering a word and being the pompous protector of its linguistic sanctity. Find it. (We're talking to you, Giada De Laurentiis.)

13. Sending an angry e-mail. Along with drunk-dialing your ex and drinking appletinis, this one fits in the category of things you will always, without fail, regret. Here's a rule of thumb: The more bridges you'll burn, the longer you should let that e-mail smolder in your drafts folder.
14. Tapping the brakes. Avoid reckless drivers, don't antagonize them. Let him pass, then watch him get pulled over.
15. Oversanitizing. Washing your hands carefully after going to the bathroom: normal. Reaching for the bottle of Purell each time you exit a taxi: compulsive.
16. Obsessing over your fantasy team. If you're really that into a sport, play coach in a way that actually matters: Teach a kid to love the nuances of the game as much as you do.

19 Signs You're Wasting Your Time

Find out if you could be using your time more efficiently

1. Any weather small talk that lasts longer than 4 seconds (unless it involves a car floating away). If you have nothing to talk about other than the weather, face it, you have nothing to talk about.

2. Three dates. No tongue.

3. Two years. No raise.

4. The person running the meeting asks, "Could someone get the lights?"

5. Your beloved quotes from Spinal Tap--"So what's wrong with being sexy?" or "It's like we have armadillos in our trousers" or "But these go to 11"--get no reaction.

6. The other person quotes Billy Madison.

7. You hit triple digits on the cable box, decide to cycle through once more, and realize that What Women Want is still the best option.

8. You spend more than an hour and a half a day in the gym. What's the point of building all those muscles if you don't get out once in a while and use them?

9. You've been intro-duced to someone three times, and he still doesn't remem-ber your name. Don't be angry. Just smile and let him know you've met several times, and you remember him well. You now own his ass.

10. She says it's enough to have seen the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.

11. You try to forget how much your ex-girlfriend made you laugh, or how much your ex-boss made you cry--as if selectively erasing major parts of your life were possible without being kidnapped by a government agency.

12. The speaker says, "Please hold your applause until I finish reading all the names." Break out your BlackBerry, get something done.

13.You watch any movie featuring a mischievous kid who advises adults.

14. She asks during your first conversation, "So, what do you like to do for fun?" which is the single dumbest question that can ever be asked of a person. Our advice: Just smile and answer, "It's not what, but who."

15. You look at your watch during any activity. Either find something you really want to do or stop wearing a watch.

16. You listen to John Mayer for any other reason than to get a woman to take off her shirt.

17. You give your honest feedback to someone who says, "I want your honest feedback."

18.You read any e-mail with the subject line "This is not a hoax."

19. You allow someone more than 3 minutes to try to change your opinion. If he can't do it in that window, say, "Look, Ed, you're not going to change my view here. So let's stop pissing away valuable minutes and talk about something else." (Except the weather, of course.)