27 Laws of Shopping for Women

Members of the male gender are hereby instructed to follow these rules or risk lack of sexual intercourse for five to 10 years.1. Newspaper is not wrapping paper. Neither is a plastic bag from HMV. Neither is hiding the gift behind your back.
2. Best wrapping paper: katespaperie.com.
3. When you must give gifts: anniversary, birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas/Hanukkah.
4. When she would also like you to give gifts: Arbor Day, Flag Day, Kazakhstan Independence Day (December 16), Chester A. Arthur's birthday (October 5).
5. Flowers are not gifts. They're a garnish.
6. If you are going to buy said garnishes: roses minus the baby's breath, monochromatic tulips, orchids on the stems, eremuri, calla lilies in colors.
7. Carnations and chrysanthemums are the floral equivalent of T.G.I. Friday's.
8. A blue box from Tiffany's is the ultimate packaging, because it will make the Gift Givee squeal, " Oohh! A blue box!"
9. Addendum: Gift Giver understands that contents of said blue box must also be from Tiffany's or risk serious injury to lower part of body.
10. Practical gifts are a federal offense. You are better off giving a single leg warmer than any of the following: coffeemaker, paper shred-der, vacuum cleaner, computer, fancy pen, smoke alarm, or forklift.
11. Acronym gifts are likewise violations: CD, DVD, BSE.
12. If you don't trust your taste, buy her a service: a massage, facial, or mani-pedi. Prepay the tip.
13. You shall not willfully ignore this obvious but crucially important shortcut: Ask Gift Givee's friends and family for suggestions.
14. If you must buy your girlfriend a dress or skirt, you shall not supersize. Size down, not up. Banana Republic's size 2 is really more like a size 6 these days.
15. Pay attention to the fine print. She says: "I loved that bracelet Rachel was wearing." Your translation: "Let's have a threesome with her." Actual translation: "Buy me that bracelet."
16. Most coveted shoe brands, in descending order: Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, Via Spiga, Charles David, Nine West.
17. Giver can never go wrong with cashmere.
18. Surf and ye shall find. A few good shopping sites: uncommongoods.com, sephora.com, girlshop.com, blissworld.com, bluefly.com.
19. Try giving six wrapped wine bottles, each labeled with a watershed relationship moment: first anniversary, first baby, first house, et cetera. Open and drink when you arrive at said moments.
20. Addendum: Do not include first affair, first arrest, first divorce.
21. Avoid self-improvement gifts, even if the Givee asks for them. A book on the South Beach Diet will not get you laid.
22. When buying clothes, it's safest to stick to things that will not lead to further self-esteem issues involving the size of her body parts. Examples: hats, gloves, scarves, sarongs.
23. Don't buy lessons. Yoga sessions and pottery classes put the onus on the Givee, and no one likes an onus.
24. Snooping is not a violation; snooping is encouraged. When Givee is not home, look in her closet to see if she likes Club Monaco, J.Crew, or Chanel. If it's Chanel, quietly close the closet door and back away. You were never there.
25. Find item Gift Givee is most proud of and buy a newer, better, more expensive version of identical item. Consider: You're a basketball fan. She buys you tickets to a lacrosse game, citing the logic that it's also a game with a ball and a net. Or else she comes home with NBA playoff tickets, courtside. Which makes you happier?
26. Regarding cards: Avoid ones with jokes about her age, weight, or sexual shortcomings. Try making a card, using a color Xerox of your favorite photo of the two of you … oh, forget it. Fredflare.com or papyrusonline.com.
27. Perform due diligence. Next time your girlfriend is paging through a magazine, listen to her instead of nodding vacantly. Ask to see the item she's drooling over. Make a mental note. Fetch