The Friendship Crisis: Making and Keeping Friends as an Adult
Why Women Need Friends
When was the last time you made a new friend? Or grabbed an early morning cup of coffee with an old friend? A recent study found that when women have children, they drastically reduce the amount of time they spend with their friends -- barely five hours each week, down from 14 hours a week before having a child. And yet friendships are vital to our health and our happiness.
Why do you think friendships are so important to women? What makes it different for us than it is for men?
I think we all instinctively know we feel better after spending time with a special friend. We feel energized and happier. If we share a problem with a friend, we feel less hurt. But there's also this whole new body of research showing how profoundly friendships impact our emotional and physical health. Friendships protect us from depression and anxiety. They boost our immune system, and we have a healthier cardiovascular system when we spend time with friends. Our memory is enhanced and we sleep more deeply. The list goes on about how spending time with friends and having close confidantes supports our health.
Men need friendships, too. But the research shows that women are much more soothing and comforting than men. One study placed women and men in stressful situations and it found that people who were placed with a woman had lower stress level than people who were with a man. I think women tend to be better listeners; they don't try to fix things the way men do. And for many men, their best friends tend to be their wives. Men don't seem to be as comfortable sharing emotional intimacy with each other. They get together more around activities -- sporting events or work for instance.
Can you talk about the dynamics of friendships -- how do you break up with a friend who is not right for you anymore?
I've been getting this question a lot, and I think it depends on why you're breaking up. If it's somebody who is a kind person, but you just don't feel a connection, I think you could take the path of disengagement. But you have to do what you feel comfortable with. Communication is so important -- because some friendships don't have to break up. It's ideal if you can address it when the friendship is still salvageable, perhaps by saying, "I feel like our connection is weakening. What do you think?"
But when somebody betrays you, that's a little different. Then you can straight out say, "I don't want to be your friend anymore."
Building Friendships and Staying Close
How can you build a new friendship into a deeper, longer-lasting friendship?
I think not expecting too much, too fast is important -- you don't want to scare a person. Paying attention -- if you know that something is happening in her life, follow up, whether her father is in the hospital or her birthday is coming up. Do something personal and above the norm. I had a new neighbor who, when she moved in, asked when my birthday was. Then on my birthday she brought over a little cupcake and a birthday card and I thought, "Wow, this is a really thoughtful woman." I felt very warmly toward her and that started us off on a nice relationship.
Do you think the dynamics of friendships change for older women versus younger women?
I don't think the rules of being a good friend change. But the issues change. When you get into your 40s and 50s, more women are divorced or even widowed, and those women are often shunned socially. It's a challenge for the married women to retain friendships with newly single friends. And it's a challenge for a woman to make her married friends comfortable with her as a newly single woman. Also, there's a retirement angle -- people lose friends as they pack up and move someplace warm for half of the year. I think older women particularly need to keep adding to their friendship pool because as people retire, move away, or become ill, that's something they're going to have to deal with.
What is the difference between long-distance friends and geographically close friends? Do you think one set is more important than the other?
I think you definitely need face-to-face friends who you can meet for lunch, who can give you a hug, or bring you dinner if you've had surgery. But if you have a good friend who's moved away, she's not less of a friend. The one thing I do for my long-distance friends is to be there for important events for them and their families. It helps to physically see each other once in a while.
What makes a good friend?
I think somebody who is really present, who really pays attention. Somebody who is a good listener, who doesn't try to give advice. Someone who's willing to be supportive and not tell you what to do, and or how you should feel. I think that's extremely valuable. And be willing to offer physical support too -- I had surgery, and a friend of mine took the time to drop off my favorite biscotti and offered to drop off dinner. Those are the people you become very close to -- the people that are really there for you.
When was the last time you made a new friend? Or grabbed an early morning cup of coffee with an old friend? A recent study found that when women have children, they drastically reduce the amount of time they spend with their friends -- barely five hours each week, down from 14 hours a week before having a child. And yet friendships are vital to our health and our happiness.
Why do you think friendships are so important to women? What makes it different for us than it is for men?
I think we all instinctively know we feel better after spending time with a special friend. We feel energized and happier. If we share a problem with a friend, we feel less hurt. But there's also this whole new body of research showing how profoundly friendships impact our emotional and physical health. Friendships protect us from depression and anxiety. They boost our immune system, and we have a healthier cardiovascular system when we spend time with friends. Our memory is enhanced and we sleep more deeply. The list goes on about how spending time with friends and having close confidantes supports our health.
Men need friendships, too. But the research shows that women are much more soothing and comforting than men. One study placed women and men in stressful situations and it found that people who were placed with a woman had lower stress level than people who were with a man. I think women tend to be better listeners; they don't try to fix things the way men do. And for many men, their best friends tend to be their wives. Men don't seem to be as comfortable sharing emotional intimacy with each other. They get together more around activities -- sporting events or work for instance.
Can you talk about the dynamics of friendships -- how do you break up with a friend who is not right for you anymore?
I've been getting this question a lot, and I think it depends on why you're breaking up. If it's somebody who is a kind person, but you just don't feel a connection, I think you could take the path of disengagement. But you have to do what you feel comfortable with. Communication is so important -- because some friendships don't have to break up. It's ideal if you can address it when the friendship is still salvageable, perhaps by saying, "I feel like our connection is weakening. What do you think?"
But when somebody betrays you, that's a little different. Then you can straight out say, "I don't want to be your friend anymore."
Building Friendships and Staying Close
How can you build a new friendship into a deeper, longer-lasting friendship?
I think not expecting too much, too fast is important -- you don't want to scare a person. Paying attention -- if you know that something is happening in her life, follow up, whether her father is in the hospital or her birthday is coming up. Do something personal and above the norm. I had a new neighbor who, when she moved in, asked when my birthday was. Then on my birthday she brought over a little cupcake and a birthday card and I thought, "Wow, this is a really thoughtful woman." I felt very warmly toward her and that started us off on a nice relationship.
Do you think the dynamics of friendships change for older women versus younger women?
I don't think the rules of being a good friend change. But the issues change. When you get into your 40s and 50s, more women are divorced or even widowed, and those women are often shunned socially. It's a challenge for the married women to retain friendships with newly single friends. And it's a challenge for a woman to make her married friends comfortable with her as a newly single woman. Also, there's a retirement angle -- people lose friends as they pack up and move someplace warm for half of the year. I think older women particularly need to keep adding to their friendship pool because as people retire, move away, or become ill, that's something they're going to have to deal with.
What is the difference between long-distance friends and geographically close friends? Do you think one set is more important than the other?
I think you definitely need face-to-face friends who you can meet for lunch, who can give you a hug, or bring you dinner if you've had surgery. But if you have a good friend who's moved away, she's not less of a friend. The one thing I do for my long-distance friends is to be there for important events for them and their families. It helps to physically see each other once in a while.
What makes a good friend?
I think somebody who is really present, who really pays attention. Somebody who is a good listener, who doesn't try to give advice. Someone who's willing to be supportive and not tell you what to do, and or how you should feel. I think that's extremely valuable. And be willing to offer physical support too -- I had surgery, and a friend of mine took the time to drop off my favorite biscotti and offered to drop off dinner. Those are the people you become very close to -- the people that are really there for you.
posted by Jacinta | 3:36 AM
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